Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
