my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
