I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
