dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
