i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
