note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
