Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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