He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
