This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Hippo gnu deer
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
