I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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