i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
