Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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