My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You are the jesus of drinking
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
