You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
