there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
