go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
