Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
where are my eyebrows?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
