Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
