Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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