Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
whose parrot is this?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
