you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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