i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
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For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
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Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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