well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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