I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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