i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
