me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
