she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
