She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
