I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Even my vagina gasped.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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