Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
