So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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