I wanna bring you to show and tell
you have to choose: penises or morals?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
