He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
