I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
