Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
