Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
