i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
