I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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