I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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