Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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