apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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