I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
The Olympian is in my bed
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
