I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
