remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
