The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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