I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
