Is it normal to miss your booty call?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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