someone threw a dead crab at me
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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