I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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