the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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