I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
