Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
