i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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