He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
