I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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