I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
