Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
